


Portmanteau

by Kittenmommy



Series: Loki and Pepper Potts: Conversations, Drinks, and Other Really Bad Ideas [30]
Category: Marvel Avengers Movies Universe, Spider-Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Candid photographs, Established Relationship, F/M, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Humor, Loki Does What He Wants, Mild Language, Tabloids
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-02
Updated: 2012-10-02
Packaged: 2017-11-15 12:38:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/527404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kittenmommy/pseuds/Kittenmommy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Peter Parker: Intrepid newspaper photographer by day, masked crimefighting superhero by night.</p><p>He had – quite by accident – gotten a photograph that immediately went viral all over the web and a scoop that would occupy New York’s tabloids – and indeed, the <i>entire nation’s</i> tabloids – for weeks to come.</p><p>This is the story of how that ruined his life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Portmanteau

**Author's Note:**

> _The Avengers_ and _Spider-Man_ belong to Marvel, and I'm not making any money from this.
> 
> Also, I picture Peter Parker as Nicholas Hammond [from that live-action _Spider-Man_ series that was on back in the '70s](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_sLDd6G_e1w)... though with updated hair and wardrobe! ;)
> 
> This installment is all light and fluffy - I figured we could _all_ use a little break from the angstfest that this series has become in recent installments! 
> 
> And yes I _did_ have enormous fun writing this one! :D

Peter Parker: Intrepid newspaper photographer by day, masked crimefighting superhero by night (OK, and sometimes in the day, too… and not _every_ night, either, because yeah, even masked crimefighting superheroes have to sleep _sometime_ ).

Though he had been unable to get any photos of the injured Iron Man, the time Peter had spent camping out at the hospital hadn’t been a total loss. 

He had – quite by accident – gotten a photograph that immediately went viral all over the web and a scoop that would occupy New York’s tabloids – and indeed, the _entire nation’s_ tabloids – for weeks to come.

This is the story of how that ruined his life.

* * *

The Green Goblin is riding some kind of flying motorcycle right up the middle of Broadway _in broad daylight_ , flinging Pumpkin Bombs as he goes and laughing manically.

Suddenly, from above, Spider-Man swings into action!

He lands on the street, blocking the Green Goblin’s way.

“Stop!” he shouts in his best heroic voice.

And the Green Goblin’s Goblin Glider is enveloped in a flash of green magic, and suddenly the Goblin is riding a ludicrous oversized green tricycle.

Loki suddenly _appears_ , resplendent in his golden armor and helmet, long flowing emerald cape billowing out behind him.

“Your enthusiasm is refreshing,” Loki tells the Goblin. “However, your execution leaves much to be desired.”

The Goblin snarls at Loki, who simply rolls his eyes.

“As much as I enjoy chaos for its own sake, I find myself wondering what exactly you were hoping to accomplish by randomly flinging incendiary devices.”

“Widespread panic,” the Goblin replies, grinning insanely.

“Hey, I have one of their albums!” Spider-Man blurts out before he can stop himself.

Loki turns, giving him a withering look that immediately shuts him up.

He turns back to the Goblin and with a negligent wave of his hand, the Goblin is suddenly wearing glowing green chains around his wrists and ankles.

Some of NYPD’s finest surge forward to collect the prisoner.

“So… uh, Loki,” Spider-Man says. “I guess you’re an Avenger now? Ah, anyway, thanks for the help.”

Loki scowls darkly at him. “I would have words with you.”

“Yeah, sorry, gotta – ”

Loki holds up his hand, and a copy of the most recent issue of the _Daily Bugle_ just _appears_ in it.

“ _I would_ have words _with you_ ,” Loki repeats, low and angry and hissing like a snake.

Spider-Man gulps nervously.

* * *

“I didn’t come up with that, I swear!” Spider-Man says. “I just took the picture! And it wasn’t like I used a long lens to snap you in your bedroom; you were both right out there in public!”

Appropriately enough, they’re standing on the roof of the _Daily Bugle_.

Loki holds up the paper again, and the picture on the front page is of Loki and Pepper kissing; it had obviously been taken the previous day in the hospital cafeteria.

The picture is bad enough, but the single-word headline that goes with it is far, far worse:

_**POKI!** _

“Poki?” Loki repeats scathingly.

“Yeah… it’s like one of those funny smooshed names… you know, like Brangelina or TomKat.”

“I do not find it amusing… nor does Miss Potts.”

“I bet Mister Stark does,” Spider-Man says before he can think better of it. This earns a murderous glare that actually makes him take several steps back, confirming his suspicions.

“OK, ah, it – it could’ve been worse?” Spider-Man tries. “Like, uhhhhh, ‘Lepper’… that would’ve been worse, right?”

“Did you know,” Loki says very softly, “that Miss Potts and I are now the subject of something the Hawk calls an ‘internet meme’?”

Spider-Man groans. “I was really, really hoping you didn’t know about that.”

“And that there is evidently a song called ‘Can’t Do The Hokey Pokey With Loki’?”

“You’re going to _kill_ me now, aren’t you?”

“ _And_ that someone on YouTube thought that combining your photograph and that song would be the absolute _pinnacle_ of hilarity?”

“Just do it, OK? Just do it and get it over with!” Spider-Man braces himself.

“I am not going to kill you. However… next time, I may allow the Goblin to blast you into whatever afterlife awaits your kind,” Loki promises, turning away as if to leave.

“Yeah… OK, that’s fair. I can deal with that.”

“Oh, and one more thing,” Loki says, turning back to Spider-Man. He’s got something in his hand. “I believe that the expression is ‘say cheese’.”

He raises his free hand and Spider-Man sees _green_ and then there’s a little flash of light from the thing Loki has in his hand.

Peter raises his hand to his face, realizing that his mask is gone… it had just _disappeared_.

And then he realizes that Loki has just taken his picture.

Unmasked.

“Wait, you can’t – ”

“Oh, I _can_ ,” Loki says grinning evilly. And I _will_.” He shrugs. “After all, you are right out here in public, are you not?”

“I hate you,” Peter says numbly.

“Of course, I _could_ be convinced to reconsider…”

* * *

They’re in the Avengers living room in Stark Tower.

“Hey, another drink over here!” Tony says, snapping his fingers. He’s lounging on one of the sofas, wearing a pair of faded jeans and a t-shirt that proclaims, “I’m Not Bald: That’s A Solar Panel For A Sex Machine!”.

Peter scurries off to the bar with haste.

“And I’ll have a banana daiquiri, since you’re back there,” Hel calls. "Please?"

“This was really a great idea, Loki,” Pepper says, snuggling up next to him on the sofa. “I never would’ve thought of it.”

Loki smirks. “I can be quite inventive when I wish.”

“Don’t I know it!” she agrees. Tony makes a gagging sound.

“Hey, barkeep!” Clint yells. “When you’re done getting the drinks, our bathroom needs a good cleaning!”

“And you can pick up all the clothes that Clint left all over our bedroom floor,” Natasha adds.

“After that, go check on my experiment?” Bruce asks. “It’s in Lab Three.”

“I have some dry cleaning that needs to be picked up,” Steve mentions. “Think you can get there before they close, Peter?”

Peter sighs.

The elevator _dings_ and Fury steps out.

And stares.

And _stares_.

“What. The. _Fuck_?” he finally asks.

“This,” Loki says, motioning at Peter, “is the annoying little photographer who is responsible for the front page of today’s _Daily Bugle_.”

“I do _not_ believe what I am seeing, Laufeyson.”

“It was not _entirely_ my idea,” Loki says, glancing at Tony.

“Yeah, the French maid’s uniform? Totally _my_ idea!” Tony says smugly.

“I’m impressed by how well he walks in those stilettos,” Natasha says, eyeing Peter suspiciously. “Almost like he’s had practice.”

Teetering precariously, Peter makes his wobbly way across the living room, just barely balancing his tray of drinks on one hand.

“Here you go, Mister Stark… Your Highness,” he says as he hands drinks to Tony and Hel.

“Don’t forget my bathroom,” Clint tells him.

“Yes, Agent Barton,” Peter agrees with another sigh.

“One more thing before you leave, Parker,” Loki says, and Peter turns to see Loki holding something up in his hand.

“Say cheese!”

FINIS.

**Author's Note:**

> References:
> 
> [Widespread Panic](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Widespread_Panic).
> 
> [Portmanteau](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Portmanteau).
> 
> A special thank you to [The Wife](http://archiveofourown.org/users/TheWife/pseuds/TheWife), who alerted me to the fact that the Crawdaddys song "[Can't Do The Hokey Pokey With Loki](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RtwkAMwtUEM)" exists! :D


End file.
